Just A Gay Boy

No joke.

I got a new apartment. It's big, has a bar and is on top of a pub. It had me at hello.

The next two weeks, then, are being dedicated to finding a subletter to take my current apartment, which just means I'll be screening loads of highly entertaining/terrifying emails from people responding to my post on Craigslist.

So far, here are two of the best:

Well hello--I'm Mary Ann, I am looking to move during the first week of June and looking for long term. I am a writer and researcher about the fuel crisis. I am no longer doing psychotherapy as a psychiatrest like they say, but I now seek to save many from the energy crisis, especially the earth mothers and children , like the ones I did family therapy with, so they do not suffer with cold and hunger in time. Does your bed come with sheets?

 

I am gregarious and enjoy conversation, but respect privacy. I need privacy myself, and relish working alone on the computer in the dark quiet. I enjoy classical music and sacred music.  country western too, if I can get it.  I don't like rap and hip-hop, unless you have good earphones!

I do need a furnished room and a bed with sheets would be best. 

My number is ***-***-**** or ***-***-****. Please call me.

Best wishes:  Mary Ann ******, M.D.

Hi,

My name is Lonetta. This is lucky day!

I am originally from Romania. I am actress. I also work as server. I am really busy, but love Sunday brunch and traveling places like romania.

I will be great friend but I know how to respect your privacy. NO MORE DRAMA (that is for your mother).

I work tomorrow all to day. But please leave me message and I will call.
Movies are fun too!

Thank you thanks!!

Mary Ann seems like a good fit. But only because my bed has sheets.

FML: The most productive thing I've done all day is find this.

I need a hobby.

Random Tuesday morning IM

EVANwantsaBURGER: hey son what are you doing?

franco&beans143: ugh, in my romantics & the industrial revol lecture. so boring. what r u doin?

EVANwantsaBURGER: at work. working.

franco&beans143: rly?

EVANwantsaBURGER: no. i just photoshopped my hed on a cat wearing galoshes.

franco&beans143: there it is

EVANwantsaBURGER: and I'm catching up on last week's 30 rock. why am i such a model employee?

franco&beans143: this is tru

EVANwantsaBURGER: whats goin on right now?

EVANwantsaBURGER: yo

franco&beans143: omg i'm totes nodding offf

EVANwantsaBURGER: don't fall asleep in class, kiddo, someone will take a picture of you and put it on perez or something

franco&beans143: i'm so tired tho & this lecture can eat a bag of dicks

EVANwantsaBURGER: hahah

franco&beans143: wish i was in bed snuggling w/u right now

EVANwantsaBURGER: OH JAMES FRANCO

franco&beans143: srsly when i'm shooting a scene & i hav 2 kiss a girl all i can do 2 stop from puking is think of kissing u

EVANwantsaBURGER: yes. I completely understand.

EVANwantsaBURGER: hey we should make 16 lbs of mac & cheese and eat all of it tonight

EVANwantsaBURGER: then we can go to the park and watch those assholes play ultimate frisbee

EVANwantsaBURGER: hahah stupid non-sport playing dbags

EVANwantsaBURGER: james?

EVANwantsaBURGER: uh oh. this is not going to end well

Random Sunday afternoon text chat

STEVEN: What's up buttercup?

ME: Organizing my playbills alphabetically

STEVEN: a raisin in the sun

ME: a day in Hollywood/a night in the Ukraine and a little night music all come before. who r u?

STEVEN: Is the last one Zanna don't?

ME: Z, Liza with a

STEVEN: You are a professional fag

ME: a-thank you

My new favorite site

 



[here]

I'm off

Tomorrow I leave for the Bahamas; a much needed respite from New York's icy Womb Of Death And Cold. I wish I could say it was an actual vacation, but I'm going to train with my swim team. Even though a week in the Caribbean is still a week in the Caribbean, the threat of boot camp and double-days does not a restful time make.

Impending physical injuries aside, I would be more excited if, in a momentary lapse in judgment, I hadn't accidentally thrown away my new suit Wednesday night. Why I decided to take the suit out of the box in which it was delivered and place it in a Duane Reade bag, identical to the one hanging on my doorknob containing trash, I don't know, but for future reference I must remember:

([Whiskey + Luggage] - Coordination²) x Listening to MIKA =
Evan Mistaking His Swim Bag For A Trash Bag
And Throwing Out His New Suit

Boo, man. Boo.

I feel like my high school English teacher

I sat across from a woman on the subway yesterday who was holding a bag with the following note pasted on the side:

85% of all fur comes from fur farms in China. Most often clubbed, electrocuted and skinned while still alive.

They ought to be ashamed of themselves!!

Please don't by fur or fur trimmed garments.

Because this woman can't be bothered to proofread, I will beat an Artic fox with the severed paw of a Siberian tiger in the name of grammar.

Charles Darwin, Fool For Love, and going to the Taxi Academy

I stop at the same deli cart for coffee every morning; partly out of habit, partly because I'm lonely and for a quarter more Bashir will talk to me and the counter guys at Europa will not. Every day it's the same routine: I ask for a small, Bashir holds up a medium, I say "no, a small," Bashir says "don't worry about it, my friend" and begins to fill a medium, I struggle to fish a dollar out of pocket, Bashir asks me what I'm listening to, I have to lie and say Springsteen or The Black Keys even though it's really Lily Allen, he hands me my coffee, I say "thank you," he says "have a good day," I say "you too" and then I'm off. Today, however, I didn't leave so quickly. I was caught by a note in bold font hanging just above the counter. It read:

"Today is the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin.

Even if you do not agree with him, please acknowledge his contributions to science.

- Bashir"

I think I'm in love with the guy who makes my coffee.

 

Currently reading Fool For Love, a collection of new gay fiction and have been reassured of Joel Derfner's brilliance. (If you haven't read Swish, do yourself a favor. The chapter about becoming a Go-Go boy is well worth the 14 bones you'll have to shell out.) Also, Josh H. of Josh & Josh contributes! Very exciting! Congrats, kiddo!

It's quite possible I might have to go to taxi school as an assignment for work, which means in 6 weeks I may actually be behind the wheel and taking your money. In preparation, I've been sitting at my desk for the last 3 hours deciding how I'd want my cab to be outfitted, and here's what I've got so far:

- Floor-t0-ceiling shag carpet

- Fruit Roll-Up receipts

- A horn set to Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer"

- Mini bar 

- Regular-sized bar

- Mandatory No Shirt rule

- Charo! Charo! Charo!

I think I will make a spectacular cab driver.

Courage

I love this:

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Despite my lingering hangups with sexuality and my emotional scoliosis, this is so encouraging. I hope to get to a place like this. For now, I'll have to settle with being a casual observer; I can't help but smile when I see two guys walking down the street, hand-in-hand.

Related note: My friend's Steven and Erik are celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary today. They're amazing swimmers and fantastic people. Congratulations, guys.

Learn more about the Courage Campaign here.

In The Butt on Urban Prankster

Big thanks to Charlie Todd of Improv Everywhere for throwin' down and showin' bitches where the funny's at by giving In The Butt a huge shout out on Urban Prankster today! If you'll remember, ITB was started by me and my roommate, Sarah. We like Gossip Girl, cats in pajamas and laughing when old people fart, so the site was really just a natural progression of our juvenile sensibilities.  Check it out, and if it doesn't make you want to claw your eyes out with a vacuum attachment buy some stickers and become your own social deviant! In the butt.

Right now, ITB's one-day total is at 1,415 hits. Yesterday? 56. To thank Charlie, Sarah and I are staying in tonight and making him a collage from some old issues of Tiger Beat we found under her bed. EQUALITY!

Random Monday morning Gchat

11:oo AM   Kaitlin: i wrote on my friend's wall last night "i <3 meat"
                                     who am i?
11:01 AM   me: i respect your honesty

Happy Anniversary!

Today's my 4 year anniversary since moving to New York. Then, I had two suitcases and didn't know a soul. Now, I have a home, a dog, good friends, a stable job and a healthy drinking habit.

I'm pretty proud of myself.

You're welcome, interwebs.

Q: What do you get when you give two retards a video camera and all the Bartles & Jaymes they can drink?

A:



Yeah. So. I figured out how to use my Christmas gift. And, yes, the world will be a better place for it. Obvi.

This is fantastic

Because it's Friday and I'm tired and hungover and can't think of anything to write and if it's good enough for the New York Times then it's good enough for me

 

Find the full article here.